0always_trying0

0always_trying0 @ 2008-12-11T00:43:00

2008-12-11T05:44:53Z

Meee

Impending Fast

2008-12-10T04:11:57Z

Winter kills me.

All I want to do is take my Wellbutrin and stay under the covers in bed, maybe read a book.

I'm also always hungry.

I'm going to go Veg for two days, then Vegan for two days, then juice for one day. That'll put me at Monday. Monday-Sunday I'm going to do a detox fast. Come off it the next monday with raw foods. It's easier for me to approach fasts slowly... They usually turn out more successful. Granted, the weight I'll lose will probably be non-permanent, but I'm mostly doing it as a cleanse.

Wish I could focus on classes instead of food. Work on essays and study for finals instead of plan my daily caloric intake and such. I think I focus on food as a way to distract myself. From my pathetic life.

Dysfunction

2008-12-01T20:07:32Z

Yesterday started fine. Had work in the morning with Justin... love him. But he has a girlfriend (who I'm skinnier than...) He's 25, she's an 18 yr old emo bitch. Oh well.

So I head to my 'rents place after work, and Mom is on the computer looking up resorts & time shares and the like. She's been obsessively researching for months. Dad is playing guitar upstairs. She joins him, and my brother & I then hear an argument. Punctuated by my mom yelling "what do you want to do, throw her away?!" [i'm assuming this refers to me... and assuming they're fighting over college expenses or the like]
STOMP STOMP STOMP
*SLAM*
She's locked herself in the bathroom, we hear her sobbing. Dad tries to go in, but she won't let him. He admits the fight was over money, but won't say anything more~ he says he doesn't know why she's crying.

When she finally emerges she has put her face back on and acts like nothing has happened. Dad informs us there will be no vacation this coming year. Later that night, after they had gone to bed, I hear a tinkling in the kitchen and investigate. Dad is pouring straight Bacardi over ice, and when he sees me, says "Good morning" [keep in mind it's midnight] "Night cap?" I inquire. He smiles then shuffles to the couch to sip his drink alone in the dark.

Watercolors Left Out in the Rain

2008-11-24T05:08:56Z

Madness Marya Hornbacher
"The world outside swells and presses in at the walls, trying to reach me, trying to eat me alive"

"I don't know how I've wound up here, and I want it to end, and I repeat to the rhythm of their bodies, you're a slut, you're a whore, and I want a bath, want to scrub them off, why does this keep happening?"

"The lazy days bleed into one another like watercolors left out in the rain"

Detour Lizzie Simon
"Mental illness interacts with the way you define yourself from the instance it enters your life"

"For me, pot was a bridge back to real life, a cushiony warm soft bridge that made the day-to-day OK while my brain and body adjusted to lithium and while my soul began to digest the trauma"

"I want to find sparkling little treasures of personality who harbor terrors in their bodies, who pop the pills"